Nine Months Down

We have reached a milestone. Nine months in, nine months out. And what a happy boy we have! 

Here's where nine months has taken us.

Smiling. He has the most amazing smile, and he uses it a lot. He enjoys having his picture taken. When we go to the store he smiles at everyone. If they don't look at them, sometimes he yells. It's awesome.

Talking. Nixon talks a lot! He loves the sound of his own voice. Sometimes he yells his words, but usually it’s just a joyful babble. He currently says “dada,” “momma,” “hi” and he's said “ball” once. He's working on that and “whoa.” 

Moving. He has perfected the art of rolling. He rolls to get anywhere he wants, bypassing our efforts to encourage him to crawl. He scoots backward, but rarely figures out how to go forward. He loves to stand up! He can stand while holding something for a long time. He plays catch! We bought him a football for Easter and currently his favorite game is to play catch with us! So fun. He also likes anything rubber he can chew on and plastic wrappers. 

Eating. Nixon prefers vegetables over fruit. Carrots are his favorite. He mostly eats purees, but can also eat small pieces. Beyond fruit and vegetables he mostly eats cereal (rice cereal or cheerios). He doesn't like pinto beans, kiwis or avocado. We will try meat and cheese soon. Nixon is overcoming the pukes! He still has puke days, but we don't wear the burp rag as a fashion accessory anymore. He wears a bib all waking hours to protect his neck from a constant stream of drool. He is no longer the biggest kid on the block! He is in the 63 percentile for weight. 

Sleeping. Nixon sleeps to anywhere between 5-7 a.m. We try to let him keep trying until at least 6. If he wakes then, he usually goes back to sleep until 8 a.m. He’s a really great napper. He takes three naps a day most days, but we’re starting to drop the third nap. He likes to sleep on his side for naps, on his back during the night.

And this is where I’m at…

Emotionally. I love being home with Nixon every day. I miss my career and sometimes I fantasize about doing something small on the side, but I have really never been more content. I love being home. Sometimes I feel a little less smart than I used to be. I don’t feel as confident in carrying on a conversation. I guess between early risings and limited adult conversation that’s bound to happen.

Physically. I am still nursing Nixon. Besides figuring things out the first week I have had next to no issues with it. I am so grateful for the ability to feed him, and I honestly love it. It's a little break every few hours with just me and him. I will miss that.

I get tired easily. I do some sort of resting every day, whether a nap or reading. I try to eat enough, but low calories might be the cause of this. 

I weigh about 10 pounds less than I did before Nixon. I would like to gain a few pounds and tone up a bit, but for the most part I'm happy with how I look.

I still battle pelvic pain daily. I know someday this will get better, but the pain takes an emotional toll. I feel like I should be able to do just about anything but I can't. I can't carry or push heavy things and running is limited. I am still working with doctors and exercises to get better.

I am not ready for more. I cry when I think about having another child, in fact. I love my little boy. Right now that’s enough.

A Pile of Rocks

Yesterday my little boy fell asleep open mouthed in my arms. Asleep in my arms! I can count with 10 fingers the times this has happened. But he missed his nap timeframe and couldn’t fall asleep unassisted. So I helped, and then I couldn’t seem to let him go. I love that memory.

The past week has been warm enough for Nixon and me to go outside for exercise in the morning. Depending on my pain threshold we either walk or run (Nixon rides contentedly either way).

One morning I came upon a pile of pretty white rocks. At this moment I was a bit harrowed up in the task of getting Nixon to sleep the night through without needing to eat. Tyler and I made a plan, we have been committed, last week was one of the worst weeks of our lives. Needless to say, I have felt like a horrible, mean mom for the tears that are shed.

So at this moment, with these thoughts and these rocks I determined to build my son a rock collection. I picked the best I could find and added them to his stroller. He is young, he doesn't care about rocks. But for me it was something I could do. I want him so badly to know that I love him, even when I don't feed him at 3 a.m.

I know this sleep thing is such a small thing. My sister gave me the great advice to keep trying but move on. Give in to the fact that I will be tired for a long time. She's right. If I step back from the situation, I know completely that I’m a bit too worried about it. He won't remember this and someday I’m sure he will sleep all night.

But for me, somehow, picking up those rocks made me feel like the kind of mom I want to be.

Anniversary Love

Three years and one child later, I came to the realization that I really, really love my husband. Even more than I thought I did.

He had a weekend planned of fun activities to celebrate our Anniversary, but I spent that weekend in varying states of attentiveness, caught up in a terrible head cold. On a Sunday afternoon he sent me to bed, and he set out to take the luckiest boy in the world on a bike ride. I slept, then awakened in fear. How long was I asleep? Are they safe? Did they get hit by a car? (Can we blame the sickness for this hypochondrium?)

Then came an overwhelming realization – I would give anything – anything – so that neither my husband nor my son would feel pain. I would give my whole world for them. And I felt so much love for them in that moment it was unreal. I got up from my bed, walked out to find them wrapped in blankets swinging on the porch swing. See why he’s the luckiest boy in the world? And I’m the luckiest girl.

We did celebrate our Anniversary, though. We rode our bikes to Winger’s, got our usual with a side of pie, then put the little guy to bed, and Ty gave me a massage. Maybe perfect?

Then, as an Anniversary encore, we took a sunny weekend at its word and broke out our new mountain bikes. I’m convinced mountain biking burns more calories than any other activity. Wow. We went on a trail that terrified me! Switch backs, bushes (we learned this trail was for running in the end), and I ended up bruised in a pile of deer droppings at one point. Even after all that I think the memory will be a fond one. 

The Lullaby Life

Tonight as we were getting Nixon ready for bed he was sad. He breaks down when he realized bath time is over and pajamas are on their way. It’s a ritual we sing through every night. But tonight, tonight was different. Tonight amidst the tears he repeated over and over, “Mama, mama, mama” for the first time. I can’t begin to describe how much I love that little boy.

Our child hit eight months old and became the coolest baby in all the land. My favorite part about him is how he smiles his giant, toothless smile for everyone he sees. He is so happy! Let’s be honest, babies aren’t fairytales and our baby can scream with the best of them. But most of the time he loves to sing and smile and play.

Mama is the newest word, but before that came “Da dad da dad da.” I was walking Nixon around the house to see pictures of the people we know, and every time he saw one of Tyler he’d say “da dad da dad da.” Tyler was beyond skeptical when I told him this, but I was convinced he knew what he was saying. Later that day we walked out to meet Tyler as he was coming home from work. We stopped to talk to our friends. I said, “Nixon, what’s your new word?” Without skipping a beat he looked at Tyler, smiled big and said, “da dad da dad da!”

Yesterday Nixon and I were out on the grass blowing bubbles and eating dirt (wait, that was just Nixon), and our neighbor walked by and said, “wow, that’s the life.” I thought about how right he is. I am right where I need to be, living a life that’s overflowing with lullabies and big huge smiles. 

I have a close friend who told me as soon as I saw my little boy I wouldn't want to return to work. She was wrong. I probably could have managed to leave him them. But now, now that we've officially grown attached, leaving is the last thing on my mind. I feel overwhelmingly grateful for every day I can just be Nixon's mom.

Thinking and Nod

They say to meditate, to spend time alone, to stay in tune with yourself. Can do. But there’s also such a thing as too much of all that jazz. Too much thinking tends to screw up pretty much everything.

Nixon and I spent a week and a half alone with our thoughts and three dogs, taking care of the canines while their owners were far away somewhere warm. I watched the clock for Tyler to come home, to save me from the quiet of a big house and no talking company. 

I am so glad to be home and to have some relief from the thinking overload. To be clear, not all of the thoughts are detrimental, really.

My baby is so much fun to watch. I love to watch him all day long. I wish he didn’t wake that one time every night, though. Should I let him cry? I want to re-decorate his room already, should I? And how?

My husband is working hard. I would move wherever he needed to move to progress. I hope I don’t have to move far from my family though. Where would I move? Will I ever work again?

Maybe I should plan out Tyler’s Birthday… 

But always there are thoughts I shouldn’t think so much about, shouldn’t worry as much about.

Am I a good mom? Second guess. Second guess. Second guess.

Am I a good wife? Second guess. Third guess. Ninth guess.

I wish I could run. I wish it didn’t hurt. Will I ever run far again? Will my body ever be well?

See what I mean? Thoughts can help, but too much thought is bound to drive one crazy. I’m home safe, narrowly escaping that insanity, and I’ve been more determined than ever before to be busy and not so ultra contemplative. At this rate my house is going to be crafted ceiling to floor and spotless by next Tuesday. Maybe I should work on a little balance between the two… 

These Days

I am currently eating a s’more. That’s right, a s’more. Graham crackers, chocolate chips, marshmallows and a microwave. Why not?

My life is so very different now, really hardly anything is the same. I see the world with different eyes and my days are filled in very different ways. Who was I before a baby? Who am I now? Those are questions. The answers are still pending.

I have days when I miss my old life. Miss who I was, the people I was with and the cool things I used to do. I miss my boss and his dumb dad jokes and constant home renovations. I miss pebble ice and planning. I miss the mall. I do.

Those days. An event I planned, explaining the plan to Jimmer.

But I wouldn’t ever go back. Because I know I’ll look back on these days – the days I’m in – with satisfaction. They are hard, but they are the best days of my life so far.

Eating s’mores at 4 p.m. on a Wednesday (it is Wednesday, isn't it?) is only half the fun of it. There’s wake up time (so happy), cuddle time (every day around 2 p.m.) and the lull in the day around 3 p.m. that has and always will exist.

Cuddle time. Don't be late.

Last week, I fashioned a box into a train and started pushing baby Nix around the house. He enjoys the “choo choo” until I can’t go on. He loves granola bar wrappers – will play with them forever. I taught him to play the drums on metal bowls. He got the hang of it and that made my day. That’s all it takes.

Playing the drums. He's good.

We took a trip to St. George to visit Tyler’s Grandparents and try out our new mountain bikes. What a fun weekend! Tyler’s parents decided to come too, which made for lots of people for Nixon to love. I felt guilt at how free it felt, having so many people to help. But I sure didn’t mind. My baby boy is one lucky dude. We biked, we ate, we played games, we swam. I couldn’t have asked for a better weekend.

First swim. So warm!

I’m not one to care about the temperature. My husband chides me for not turning on the heat or air conditioning ever in my car. I just don’t think about it. But, baby its cold outside. Yesterday my nose felt chilled mid-afternoon. That’s the only time I pay attention to the thermostat – when it affects my nose. By evening we knew there was a problem. We borrowed a heater for our sleeping baby’s room and added a few blankets to our own. We survived the night. Heater fixed today by a nice man named Ron who goes about pushing people’s cars out of the snow in front of my house. Should I have tipped him? Crisis averted, anyway.

Tonight is a beef stew and breadsticks kind of night. I’m counting down the minutes until Tyler gets home from work.

People ask me if I ever get bored. These days? Oh, boredom is very rare. 

The Year Starts Like a Lion

I had big ideas to write about goals and plans for a new year, but in my currently humbled/exhausted state of spirit I know my every day goals remain the only ones that matter: happy husband, healthy baby. No big commitments or plans to save the world this year. Thank goodness.

I’m off to a bad start on my second goal. Nixon caught a nasty little flu that has broken my heart and my back just a little bit. A few days after Christmas he began to whine – a new little trick where he chews on his tongue and hmmms. I thought maybe teeth? No such luck. His fever spiked at 103 early Saturday morning and although that was brought down quickly, his sickness has continued. We hold him in the day and often in the night. We comfort and sing and rock. We do our best, but I feel failure. Failure because he’s sick, failure because he cries, failure because I try everything I know how to do and it’s not enough to fix him.

Yesterday I called the doctor. I said I needed an appointment and when asked why, I told the nurse my son had an ear infection. News to me. I didn’t know it until I said it. I was right. He did. The doctor also shared my concerns about possible croup or bronchitis on account of a cough too big for a baby to handle. Oh, what a sad little guy he has been!

Today is Nixon’s six month birthday. He celebrated by giving me a real smile for the first time in six days and also blowing out his diaper twice before 10 a.m. A record. He is such a cute, happy boy, and I am so glad today he seems to be on the mend. Regardless of the challenges, I am so grateful to be his mom. Way, way, way more than he knows.