These Days

I am currently eating a s’more. That’s right, a s’more. Graham crackers, chocolate chips, marshmallows and a microwave. Why not?

My life is so very different now, really hardly anything is the same. I see the world with different eyes and my days are filled in very different ways. Who was I before a baby? Who am I now? Those are questions. The answers are still pending.

I have days when I miss my old life. Miss who I was, the people I was with and the cool things I used to do. I miss my boss and his dumb dad jokes and constant home renovations. I miss pebble ice and planning. I miss the mall. I do.

Those days. An event I planned, explaining the plan to Jimmer.

But I wouldn’t ever go back. Because I know I’ll look back on these days – the days I’m in – with satisfaction. They are hard, but they are the best days of my life so far.

Eating s’mores at 4 p.m. on a Wednesday (it is Wednesday, isn't it?) is only half the fun of it. There’s wake up time (so happy), cuddle time (every day around 2 p.m.) and the lull in the day around 3 p.m. that has and always will exist.

Cuddle time. Don't be late.

Last week, I fashioned a box into a train and started pushing baby Nix around the house. He enjoys the “choo choo” until I can’t go on. He loves granola bar wrappers – will play with them forever. I taught him to play the drums on metal bowls. He got the hang of it and that made my day. That’s all it takes.

Playing the drums. He's good.

We took a trip to St. George to visit Tyler’s Grandparents and try out our new mountain bikes. What a fun weekend! Tyler’s parents decided to come too, which made for lots of people for Nixon to love. I felt guilt at how free it felt, having so many people to help. But I sure didn’t mind. My baby boy is one lucky dude. We biked, we ate, we played games, we swam. I couldn’t have asked for a better weekend.

First swim. So warm!

I’m not one to care about the temperature. My husband chides me for not turning on the heat or air conditioning ever in my car. I just don’t think about it. But, baby its cold outside. Yesterday my nose felt chilled mid-afternoon. That’s the only time I pay attention to the thermostat – when it affects my nose. By evening we knew there was a problem. We borrowed a heater for our sleeping baby’s room and added a few blankets to our own. We survived the night. Heater fixed today by a nice man named Ron who goes about pushing people’s cars out of the snow in front of my house. Should I have tipped him? Crisis averted, anyway.

Tonight is a beef stew and breadsticks kind of night. I’m counting down the minutes until Tyler gets home from work.

People ask me if I ever get bored. These days? Oh, boredom is very rare. 

The Year Starts Like a Lion

I had big ideas to write about goals and plans for a new year, but in my currently humbled/exhausted state of spirit I know my every day goals remain the only ones that matter: happy husband, healthy baby. No big commitments or plans to save the world this year. Thank goodness.

I’m off to a bad start on my second goal. Nixon caught a nasty little flu that has broken my heart and my back just a little bit. A few days after Christmas he began to whine – a new little trick where he chews on his tongue and hmmms. I thought maybe teeth? No such luck. His fever spiked at 103 early Saturday morning and although that was brought down quickly, his sickness has continued. We hold him in the day and often in the night. We comfort and sing and rock. We do our best, but I feel failure. Failure because he’s sick, failure because he cries, failure because I try everything I know how to do and it’s not enough to fix him.

Yesterday I called the doctor. I said I needed an appointment and when asked why, I told the nurse my son had an ear infection. News to me. I didn’t know it until I said it. I was right. He did. The doctor also shared my concerns about possible croup or bronchitis on account of a cough too big for a baby to handle. Oh, what a sad little guy he has been!

Today is Nixon’s six month birthday. He celebrated by giving me a real smile for the first time in six days and also blowing out his diaper twice before 10 a.m. A record. He is such a cute, happy boy, and I am so glad today he seems to be on the mend. Regardless of the challenges, I am so grateful to be his mom. Way, way, way more than he knows.