A Pile of Rocks

Yesterday my little boy fell asleep open mouthed in my arms. Asleep in my arms! I can count with 10 fingers the times this has happened. But he missed his nap timeframe and couldn’t fall asleep unassisted. So I helped, and then I couldn’t seem to let him go. I love that memory.

The past week has been warm enough for Nixon and me to go outside for exercise in the morning. Depending on my pain threshold we either walk or run (Nixon rides contentedly either way).

One morning I came upon a pile of pretty white rocks. At this moment I was a bit harrowed up in the task of getting Nixon to sleep the night through without needing to eat. Tyler and I made a plan, we have been committed, last week was one of the worst weeks of our lives. Needless to say, I have felt like a horrible, mean mom for the tears that are shed.

So at this moment, with these thoughts and these rocks I determined to build my son a rock collection. I picked the best I could find and added them to his stroller. He is young, he doesn't care about rocks. But for me it was something I could do. I want him so badly to know that I love him, even when I don't feed him at 3 a.m.

I know this sleep thing is such a small thing. My sister gave me the great advice to keep trying but move on. Give in to the fact that I will be tired for a long time. She's right. If I step back from the situation, I know completely that I’m a bit too worried about it. He won't remember this and someday I’m sure he will sleep all night.

But for me, somehow, picking up those rocks made me feel like the kind of mom I want to be.