The Crown

When I was in high school I wrote a poem called “The Crown” for my creative writing class. It was fairly personal, a poem about feeling like I needed the crown of popularity and realizing it wasn’t necessary or worth what the crown required. It was a good poem I guess. As far as I know the teacher still reads it to his students.   

High school was years ago, and I have long since been at a point where I didn’t need a “crown.” I’ve never been one to need a lot of friends, and I’ve always kept myself so busy that the few incredible friends I had satisfied my need for companionship just fine. Until now.

My baby sleeps. One hour awake, two hours asleep pretty much all day long. I am so proud of him for it and happy that he’s getting the rest he needs. I am not bored, but I am alone. I have picked up reading again, rearranged my wardrobe, found some new recipes, ran some nice routes. But that only gets me until 12 p.m. or so. Then I want to talk. 

When I went to work every day, I had a built-in social network. My co-workers and I had several solid conversations daily about current events, family drama, etc. That element of my life is gone and I miss it more than any other.

I want to start a group where we just get together and talk, once from 9-10 a.m. and maybe again at 3:30 p.m. or so. We’ll all read the news often, so we all know what’s going on and bring good things to the conversation. I know, this group is not possible in a mom and naptime sort of world. But I want it. I crave it.

At any rate, I’m realizing that I need to make friends.But for the life of me I can’t remember how. It’s like my first day of high school all over again. Who knew I was living on repeat.  Here we go again. 

Good Times

I continue to be amazed at how reduced my to do list is and yet how busy I remain. I can’t tell you where the days go or even what day it is most of the time, but they definitely fly.

What a fun time of life! I'd say Nixon has enjoyed his first two and a half months. He’s gone to the farm, the golf course, the canyon, the lake and a dozen other places. Most days he just stays home with me though. He takes four naps a day and sleeps between 7-9 hours at night. His favorite things to do are to lie on his tummy, take luxurious baths (complete with a blow dry afterwards) and eat (obviously).

There are so many things I love about being a mom. I love laying on the floor and having stare contests with my baby. He has the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen. I love that he smiles more for me than for anyone else (although Tyler is a close second). I’ll do anything to make him smile.

I love how happy he is in the mornings. I love how he curls up like a little bug when I have to wake him up from a nap. I love how he lays his hand on my chest while he’s nursing. I love when he falls asleep in my arms. The books say not to let him do that – put to bed “drowsy, but awake.” Once in a while I close the book and just hold him. Until my arm goes numb, of course. He is a big boy with a big head!

I never realized how much I would love watching Nixon and Tyler play together. His first laugh was for Tyler. Nixon jumps in Tyler’s arms and scoots himself across the blanket a dozen times for Tyler. I think he reserves certain activities like this for his dad. It’s pretty adorable.

Being a mom is so much harder than I ever imagined. But at the same time it’s so much more fun. 

Back to It

Can you keep a secret? Nixon and I went for a run.

Today I hit the six-week point since baby. And that means, if all looks well tomorrow at the doctor’s, I will be cleared to run. I promised myself I would wait, but then I got curious and then ... I jumped the gun just a wee bit. I honestly couldn’t wait. It was hard an exhilarating at the same time. Oh, how I missed it!

 I can’t believe it’s finally here. I can’t believe it. Almost a year ago, I stopped running hard. I was pregnant, then it ended, then I was pregnant again two months later. Because of how it all happened, I was terrified to run. I exercised just about four times a week until five days before the little dude arrived, biking or swimming or elliptical. But running. Running was too much of a mental challenge. Even when I did jog on occasion, it certainly wasn’t heavy exercise.

 And now I’ve made it back to the point where my exercise routine can’t possibly hurt anyone, except I guess myself. I am giddy. Two weeks ago I was frustrated with the delay in healing I felt like I was experiencing. The birth process left some scars I feared would never mend. I consider it a blessing that today things are looking up. Pain is almost gone! Getting back into running shape will be a serious challenge. I am different, there’s no way around it. But I am all in. So dang excited!

The End and The Beginning

I quit my job and lost the ability to breath. For a moment.

I thought I had decided a very long time ago that stay at home mom was the gig for me. I wanted some time to make sure, so I told work I'd let them know as soon as I knew. And that's how it stood.

Three days after Nixon was born I was ready to go back to work. I was ready for the schedule, the routine, the interesting people and conversations and the fun projects. I searched for a way to make it work, even at one point asking Tyler if he felt ok with quitting his job and staying home instead.  I struggled with the 24/7 beckoning of an infant I didn't know and who I didn't feel knew me.

But I knew what, for me, was right. My baby somehow needs me and I need him. The phone call was made, the tears were shed, the fear set in. Very soon I will no longer have a job for the first time since I started babysitting consistently at age 11. Can I do this?

Interesting to me, as soon as I let go of that life, something new set in. Love. I love this baby. Whatever part of me I feel like I've lost, there's something new and different setting in. I'm becoming a mom. I still don't know what that means for me completely. I know my “to do” list has shortened substantially and some days I look back on my day and can’t for the life of me account for what I accomplished, besides keeping a child fed and clean. But I know this new life fits. However it changes me, it's who I'm meant to be.

Searching

I have been reading too many books. Parenting books, to be exact. Getting baby to sleep, to be more exact. My baby is five weeks old today. But he has been having a hard time with too little good sleep, and I want to help him be a talented sleeper like his dad so I know I've got to start early.

So many opinions flood the airwaves. Never, ever let your baby cry, says one. You're heartless and they'll grow up with dependencies and addictions because you abandoned them. Really, that's what they tell me.

On the other end of the spectrum "the book" says beginning after the first week of life you must let them cry in their bed until they fall asleep each nap time because you're in charge. In return people will stop you in the street to tell you how happy and well adjusted your child is. And my child won't have entitlement issues later in life, they say.

I see both sides, I'm right down the middle and some days I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. It's terrifying to think that what I do now is going to affect a life forever. I never fully accepted the pressure that comes along with being a mom until now.

But I'm realizing that I know more than anybody else. Maybe I am even wiser than Babywise. Sometimes he fights sleep and I have to do what it takes to get him there, even if that means letting him cry while I watch the monitor and cry along with him. Sometimes he needs a little extra time with me and I will give it to him. And every once in a while he actually is starving and it's only been an hour and a half. I'll feed him.

I don't know what I'm doing. But I'm doing my very best and hopefully the rest is made up for. He smiles right back at me, has wide, explorative eyes, and slept six hours straight twice this week. So maybe he'll grow up and won't be half crazy after all.

A Baby Update

Nixon baby is doing just fine. He loves to eat – gained more than two pounds already. He loves to sleep – in fact last night he went four hours in between feeding not once but twice. Good kid. He looks exactly like his dad. He hates the hiccups, being bored and waiting on meals (don’t we all). He’s a big time grunter, makes lots of faces and loves baths.



Tyler as a baby



Tyler's little clone - baby Nix

He just keeps growing!

 He turns one month old in two days, and none of us can believe it. We love this little dude.

We are Family

I wanted to follow up with a few pictures of Nixon during his first few days of life. We're home from the hospital now and starting to get the handle of this new life. It certainly is a good one.

Dang cute baby

First family photo - right after birth

Ready for the car ride home!

Best dad in the world, hands down

Chilling with mom